Thursday, September 26, 2013

Dream Messages

Since God doesn't text or have a phone, I believe that He leaves us messages via dreams.  I've been having really vivid dreams lately - weird ones.  My dreams are like miniature movies - they're colorful, have a variety of characters, interesting plots and elicit many different emotions.

In the past few nights I have dreamt that:

  • I owned a mountain lion as a pet and was concerned that buying steaks would start to get expensive.  I was feeding him steaks so he wouldn't eat my other pets.  I was really anxious in this dream because I was afraid that I couldn't protect my dog from being eaten by my mountain lion.
  • Someone introduced me to a friend who she thought would make a good mentor.  When I met the guy, he told me that I had interviewed him months ago and never got back to him.  I couldn't remember who he was so he showed me a photo album.  It turns out, that he was friends with my dad when he was alive.  When I am stressed and overwhelmed, I become forgetful.  It's really bad when you forget things in your dreams. 
  • My three friends from high school came to visit me for a holiday.  We hadn't seen each other in a while and I was really looking forward to it.  One of them felt guilty for spending the holiday with friends instead of family.  I encouraged her to do what she felt was right and I could tell she was conflicted.  I knew that she did not feel comfortable being at my house.  I knew that she needed to leave so I began helping her pack and then she shared this gem that still lingers in my thoughts:
"I'm changing being here." 

I am becoming a different person in my current situation.  I am not the same person I was four years ago or ten years ago.  Places and life circumstances change us.  They add layers of experience to our minds and spirits.  I believe that they will keep piling up until we take our last breath.  It's life.  It is forever changing as we are forever changing. 

Now, the questions I have been asking myself are:  "Am I changing for the better or for the worse?" and "Is being here (this place in my life) good for me?" 

If yes, awesome.  If not, I need to do something.  I need to re-focus and re-center myself in Christ.  When I do, He gives me the strength that I need to open myself to endless possibilities.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.
Psalm 143: 9

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Reaching Out and Reaching Up

This is a really amazing song.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Yellow Flowers

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world. 
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Womanhood is Difficult

The last couple of weeks have been sort of heavy.  Not in a bad way.  Just days filled with deep thinking and reflection.  Some of them have been stressful.  Others have been sad.  A few days have felt strange and confusing.

I have an old friend going through a challenge - her first baby has a fatal diagnosis.  She and her husband have decided to carry their son to term.  Since finding this out, I have been in utter awe of her strength.  I keep asking myself what I would do.  Could I be that strong?  I just cannot get her out of my mind.  I pray for her and her baby almost every day.

I'm in awe of her strength but I'm also scared.  I am afraid that I might have come to a realization that I will probably never have a baby.  I am not ready to be a mother.  I don't know why.  I'm just not.  But this makes me very sad at the same time. 

I have been in a strange place regarding my career for over a year.  I have no idea what my purpose in life is.  Which translates to not knowing what I am supposed to do for work.  This completely stresses me out.  I am exhausted doing what I do.  I feel deflated.  Do you know this feeling?  It's knowing that you are absolutely, without a doubt, positive that something in your life needs to change but not knowing what that change is.  It's out there.  You can almost reach it.  Almost.

I am in womanhood limbo.  It both sucks and it also rocks.  It seems that as women, we are continually exploring who we are - testing limits, experimenting, growing, failing, succeeding, acknowledging our weaknesses while embracing our strengths at the same time.  It's just so much.  Some days, it's too much.

I don't know how to get past something like this.  Do you just think yourself through it?  Pray to God?  Be patient?  I'm really not sure.

So, instead of trying to figure out the answer, I decided to make peach cobbler for dessert.  It's gluten-free and has just a hint of Kahlua in it.  I haven't tried it yet but it smell delicious.  I'm hoping that it will make being a woman a little bit easier, even if it's just for tonight.