My life is good. It has been a very long time since I've experienced true heartache. I was lying in bed last night, wide awake at 3:00 in the morning, and literally thought that my heart was going to explode. I am devasated at the imminent grief and loss that my family will soon experience. Death lingers in the air and I cannot escape it. As much as I pray and as much as I hope, I have to accept the fact that my grandma is dying.
As I left her home and traveled back to mine, I stared out the car window at the sunset. As beautiful and vivid as the colors were, the only thing that I could think about was whether or not I would see her again. These are the same excrutiating thoughts that I would have every time I drove away from my terminally ill father. I never knew if the weekend that I had just spent with him would be the last. I couldn't stay with him and I can't stay with her - I have my own life and my own family that I must take care of. I understand this, but at the same time, I feel like I am abandoning my family, my past and my dad all over again. I feel helpless and confused and really, really sad.
I've been praying a lot more but I don't always know what to ask God for. Is it that my grandma feels His presence and is comfortable? Or, is it that my grandpa finds peace during all of this? Sometimes, I pray that God brings me sleep. How am I supposed get through a day when I've only slept 4 hours? How do we get through life when we know that death is waiting for us? I've been asking these questions and I don't have any answers. This void, this sadness, makes my heart break. I know that life is full of wonder and that there are times for love, anger, growth, death, birth, war and peace. This is my time to miss my grandma. This is my time for heartache.
Monday, September 13, 2010
I had forgotten how amazing the beach is. Going to the beach is better than taking anti-depressants. I sat in my pink beach chair, drank a few beers, squished sand through my toes and thanked God for creating such a beautiful world. I waded into the ocean intending only to get my feet wet but the water felt so refreshing, I had to jump in. Diving into waves and completely immersing myself in the cool, teal water washed away all of my stress, anxiety and exhaustion.
My husband and I laid in six inches of water, rubbed sand through our fingers, kissed each other under our cowboy hats and talked about how wonderful our lives are. The current was so strong that our bodies swayed with the rhythm of the waves - it was one of the most natural feelings ever. I love going to the beach and I go quite often. For some reason though, that day at the beach will be a moment I will always remember. I felt pure and happy and refreshed. It was the kind of feeling that reminds me of what is important in life - like the scent of the ocean, watching a hawk dive for fish, remembering how salt water turns my husband's eyes a beautiful blue-green color, and eating Twizzlers while the sun warms my skin and absorbs all things negative.